then you gotta Breathe...

oh yeah - first off - Happy Friggin New Year!!!

Aight, now that I got that out, I gotta few things to share with a few folks. And FYI, I gotta bottle of Korbel lubricating the er - sharing, if ya know what I mean. So this is an idea I got from Fave, who got it from xquizzyt1, who got it from Fran, but I also saw it on Elle's page and so on...and so on...

1. I opened up my heart to you, something that I hadn't done for years. I shared things with you that I'd never shared, and gave you my love unconditionally. I created a space for you in my soul, and you entered that space and took a shyt in it. Even though it's been years, I'm finally wise enough to realise that i'm not healed, and may never heal. I have scars, physical scars from when you hit me. However the emotional scars from your manipulations dwarf any physical scars I bear. I wear them insecurely, hoping they won't show, but knowing they're as obvious as the striations on Maj. Cabot Forbes back. My desperate hope that someday I'll be able to move on is as futile as my attempts to get you to be the father our son deserves. My hate would be too easy an emotion for you to face, and a waste of my energy. More than anything, more than hate or disgust or contempt, I regret ever stopping to give you my number, and if I could take that moment back, I would. The fact that you use my obvious disdain for you as an excuse to not step up, be a man, and take care of your son just reinforces that regret. I could not possibly have picked a worse choice to share a lifetime parental tie with.


2. You unknowingly taught me the meaning of grace. Not just God's mercy, but that idea of grace, through all things. In the face of adversity, in the midst of heart-wrenching pain, when the world seems to be falling apart around you. You taught me not just to survive desperate situations, but to thrive even while enduring great pain, because that's His will. You have no idea, but as you spoke of angels, I realized that you were an angel in my life, God's way of speaking to me. Thank you for making me realize that angels walk among us, and teaching me how to recognize them.


3. You left me huge shoes to fill. You were the embodiment of strength, you endured so much, yet always kept it moving, no matter what happened. Somehow, I never felt good enough for you, and never felt close enough to you, even when I laid my head on your shoulder and cried in your arms. It's hard for me to remember your touch, hard to imagine what it was like for you to be pleased with me. I wish we could've been closer, and wish I could've known you as a person, instead of an icon. I miss you.


4. It's hard for me to talk to you honestly, without judgement. I think you're beautiful, intelligent, witty, admirable, ambitious and sexy; yet it's hard for me to get you to realize these things about yourself. You're so incredibly hard on yourself, you're your own worst critic. If I could only get you to realize that divinity resides in your brain, your breast, your heart, your soul, and between your thighs, you'd probably stop looking for validation externally. The sense of belonging and purpose that you've been searching for lie within, if only you'd love yourself the way you love others around you. Stop giving yourself away.


5. You are my best friend, and squarely the most naturally positive person I've ever met. You truly exude an enthusiasm for all that's good in the world, and you do it naturally and effortlessly. Sometimes I worry that this world we live in is too hard on a soul as gentle as yours, and inevitably will corrupt you. So, I selfishly enjoy your sunshine while I can, and hope I can comfort you if your spirit is ever broken. Please, please...never, ever change.


6. You saved my life. Your unbridled joy is so amazingly infectious, no man, woman or child can possibly resist, and neither could I. Your spirit is light. It's hard for me to acknowledge your shortcomings, knowing that you're pure joy. I sometimes feel ill-equipped to raise you. I don't understand how your mind works, and don't know if I ever will. I don't think I'm good enough for you.


7. Thank you for unwittingly being there for me. By just being yourself, you took me under your wing, protected me, nurtured me and helped me heal. I wish I could ask you to teach me more than you have, but I don't think you could bear that. I'm scared that your time here on earth is drawing to an end. I miss you, but know if I reach out to you, the things I have to tell you would make your heart sink, and I can't do that to you, again.


8. You're too intelligent to squander your talents. While I admire you so much for the selfless things you do, I think that you give too much of yourself away. I hope that I haven't left you large shoes to fill, or scars you will bear forever. Please don't follow in my footsteps, I took the hard road. I want things to be easier for you.


9. Your ass needs to grow up and stop allowing your circumstances to define you. Plan your life, don't let your situation determine where you end up 10 or even 20 years from now. You're floundering, you've been floundering for a long time, and if you keep it up, you'll flounder until you die. Stop using "the man", "the system", your childhood, your mother, and your so-called lack of education/intelligence as an excuse to not achieve your goals. First of fucking all, you have to have goals to actually achieve them. Start here: 1) give up smoking weed, 2) try to determine the path you want the rest of your life to take and 3) figure out what hard work you need to do to walk that path. No excuses, just fucking get to it, dayum.


10. If you don't get your bitchy, sorry trifling ass away from me now, I swear I'm gonna bite you. No really, you prolly taste nasty, so I'd rather just stab you. I don't give a fuck what you were thinking - I don't want you. I know I deserve better than you're offering me, so since I'm giving you a bye year, do us both a favor: get the fuck out from around me,get your funky ass attitude together, and don't come back until you can come correct. If you don't know what that means, ask your father how he came at your mother - that is if you know who dad is. if you don't, just stay away...I've got enough dysfunction in my life as is...


11. Not only are you not that good looking, but everything you've ever told me about your life is a fabrication. You don't have your degree, you didn't work for that Fortune 500, your friends aren't all balling outta control, you don't deal exclusively with dymes - it's all lies. The things i admired about you, your intelligence, your drive, your charm - all are suspect because of your exaggerations. I'm your "play-sister", you were supposed to keep it real with me, of all people.


12. Deep within you're still that skinny, plain, country girl, screaming for attention. I see through that vixen-nish bullshyt, through the "earth-mother" advice, and through the fake "homegirl" exterior. Oh, and I'm hip to your inner-skank: I know you slept with your married boss while you were engaged, just like I know that football team staff member was married when you slept with him. You can't hold water, and you'll use anyone that can possibly get you closer to whatever trophy you want that will validate your existence. And I also know that you admire me more than you care to admit to anyone, including me or yourself. Sweetie, I know my homegirls, and I don't trust you enough to call you one of them.

YARGHHHH - that was venomous...sheesh. Aight, now that that's out, I need a shower and another glass of Korbel just to return to normalcy. *out*